While perusing the bookshelves I found a book Spouse bought me for Christmas - just his little joke - Debrett's Etiquette for girls. It occurred to me immediately that there had to be a post in there somewhere, and I turned immediately to the chapter, Food and Drink, subsection, Wine Behaviour. According to Fleur Britten (the minute her parent's named her she was destined to write pointless coffee table books) it's ok to sniff wine presented in a restaurant, and take a small sip. I knew that, although I rarely do it because I only eat out in restaurants with my gay friends who insist on grandiose swirling and deep inhalations followed by comments like, I detect a hint of nutmeg. All the while my eyes are skyward and my inner consciousness is screaming pour me a glass of plonk you pretentious arse. I love them dearly, but there are certain behaviours that drive me to distraction.

Protocol demands, according to Fleur, that glasses should only be filled half way without noisy sloshing. She also demands that one does not repeatedly re-fill the glass. The two rules are mutually exclusive - the glass must be filled to the brim to avoid continual re-filling. It was at this point that I lost interest in Fleur. Strangely enough she doesn't have a subsection on drinking special offer wine at home alone, so I'm not sure if I'm following the protocol. These are my rules - if at all possible ensure the Little Darlings are in bed before pouring the first glass... That's the only rule I can summon. Lets face it drinking wine is a relatively cheap and tasty way to get squiffy in the evening, and all the rest is bollocks. I know I drink to much and too often, and women of my age are under, it seems, constant scrutiny from the nanny state about solo wine drinking activities. I decided to take a test to see whether I'm an alcohologist (can't bear the term alcoholic since it summons up images of the go and wash brigade, slumped on the streets with a bottle of meths). If I am addicted to alcohol I'm doing it in middle class fashion. Ok so here's the quiz:

Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer.

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking? rarely - one of my rules is that I'm allowed to drink providing I make it to the office by 9 am. But I guess that's one point to me.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy? No way, it makes it tolerable.

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people? No, I drink because I like feeling fuzzy.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation? Not that I know of, apart from, arguably, after the annual office Christmas party, but since I'm always expected to win the most drunk person award, it's can't be affecting my reputation. If I were to stop drinking, now that would affect my reputation...

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking? I once got drunk and made a very expensive international phone call, does that count?

6. Do you confuse memories of things that have actually happened to you with things that you’ve seen happen to other people on T.V.? Not that I can remember. I often struggle with the plot of Lost after a few glasses of wine, but I don't wake up thinking that I've been shipwrecked.

7. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking? I once spent all my money on booze during an evening out so I didn't have the taxi fair home. I don't think that counts.

8. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking? No, I often turn to facebook friends for companionship while drinking, but the www cannot count as an inferior environment, surely.

9. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? Nope, I have never, ever decided to stop drinking for a week, period.

10. Are there periods of time for which you cannot account, no matter how hard you try? I guess I have to hold my hands up to this one. The period between 1987 and 1990 (my first degree) remains a complete blur.

11. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do? No one has yet been brave enough to tell me what to do vis-a-vis vino.

12. Has your ambition decreased since drinking? Nope, I've never been very ambitious.

13. Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year? If they mean hair of the dog, no thanks. I'm strictly a caffeine addict in the am.

14. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? No, envy is ugly.

15. Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough? That's just stupid, there is no such thing as an "extra" drink. I always get enough.

16. Do you sometimes “skip” breakfast or lunch so that you’ll have more money to spend on drinks? Nope. How could I possibly skip that Chardonnay lunch?

17. In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you’ve gotten overexcited? I rarely have a point, so, no.

18. Has the distinction between drinking alone and drinking with others become so badly blurred that you can no longer tell the difference? Whoever set this quiz really has problems. I've never spoken to an imaginary drinking partner, other than Harvey, of course, but he's a very real six foot white rabbit.

19. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to? I pretty much always intend to get drunk, so, that's another no.

20. Are there no longer times when you really don’t mean to get drunk? It depends on your definition of drunk. Ok so I'm a lawyer, you didn't really expect honest answers...

So the result is (drum roll): Scoring: 0-3: Risk low. Even people with no risk of alcoholism sometimes encounter alcohol-related difficulties.

The only alcohol related difficulty I encounter is when the shops are shut and I discover I'm wineless. I really must stop completing online quizzes.