In the light of the PCT proposals which have been subject to
a robust impact analysis (can you feel the irony jumping out of the internet
and giving you a big sloppy kiss?), I have decided to conduct a social
experiment with the Little Darlings. This will, I trust, provide empirical
evidence for the Ministry of (dwindling) Justice if they decide to contemplate
the consequences of PCT before imposing it on us.
This weekend, when it comes to doling out the household
assignments (in return for paper folding currency) I shall abandon my tried and
tested method of assigning tasks on the basis of aptitude, experience and
enthusiasm, in favour of price competitive tendering. Twin One generally elects
to do the Saturday morning Tesco run for the egg and bacon brunch. She likes
spending other people’s money, is motivated to attend to the task in good time
since she loves a bacon butty, and can simultaneously listen to pop music on
her iPod without me screeching at her to “turn it down”. Twin Two prefers less
strenuous tasks. She likes washing up. Well that is overstating the case - If
she wants money she would prefer to stand still with her hands in hot water,
achieving very little over an overly long period of time (shall we call her the
CPS?). Boychild’s preferred little earner is to take the rubbish bags out to
the back gate. This was his father’s job, and he seems to feel some pride in a
man-of-the-house activity. In any event, the Little Darlings are fairly content
with this arrangement, and generally carry out their obligations to the
household with little complaint.
This weekend however I am introducing competition in order
to make savings to my purse of at least 17.5% whilst simultaneously encouraging
productivity and sustainability. I am going to ensure that the tasks are
carried out to the same standard enjoyed under the previous system: I will
scrutinise their every move and carry a big stick whilst doing so. Or perhaps I
will employ a child minder to do this for me, and deduct his or her wages from
the Little Darling’s money. I normally give them a fiver each, and Twin One
gets to keep the change from the shopping on account of, shall we call it –
travelling expenses. Some parents may think that I am rewarding them handsomely
for fairly straightforward tasks they are familiar with. I can afford it (at
present) and it seems to me fair when one takes into account the cost of
sweets, music and game downloads and sundry merchandise.
I’m not going to tell them about my plan until it’s too late
for them to come up with a reasoned objection, alternative proposal, or to stop
bickering for long enough to unite against me. They will each be required, if
they wish to continue to receive funds, to make an offer for the task they wish
to perform. They will need to be prepared to do their jobs for at least 17.5 %
less than they are currently receiving, and if one or all of them would like to
earn more (on an economy of so called scale), they must ensure that
their bid undercuts their sibling’s best offer. And the supplement for the
Tesco run will no longer be available.
I am confident that the outcome of this experiment will be
that they decide that it’s just not worth their while. There is a remote
possibility that they will give the new system a go because some money is
better than no money. Since they will be remunerated significantly less, I
doubt very much that they will put a great deal of effort into it. It seems more likely to me that, while the
Little Darlings will consider the good these small deeds do for the household, they
will conclude that if you can’t even afford a bar of chocolate and Taylor
Swift’s latest download, well, what’s the point.
Of course, pretty soon we'll all starve - if the rats don't eat us first - but the important thing is that the public (i.e. my) purse will look reassuringly full.
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