Expensive expenses or Hogs round the trough

Mercifully the current breakfast tv obsession has moved on from swine flu and is now centred squarely on expense claims submitted by members of Parliament. I lost interest in party politics some time ago when the Labour party abandoned it's principles and started trying to out tory the Tories, the Tories consequently had an identity crisis, and the Lib Dems got drunk and played with rent boys. I do feel aggrieved that I helped the incumbent Government into power by securing Spouse's vote which would otherwise have been cast in favour of the opposition by offering him a blowie. It is, however, delightful to watch politicians of all political persuasions desperately trying to defend making the nation pay for everything from the upkeep of their tennis courts and helipads, to keeping them in toilet paper and double espressos. I would, however, like to complement the appropriately named Douglas Hogg MP for submitting a claim for the costs of dredging his moat. That is so screamingly outrageous it's fucking hilarious.

My only regret about this story is that it broke after I concluded my dealings with Geordieman. Consider the fun I could have had by asking what my tax money was going to be spent on: it wouldn't quite cover the costs of the renovations on Hazel Blears constituency home, but it would have bought several Corby trouser presses. I could have offered to settle my tax bill by sending 2272 packets of chocolate Hob Nobs directly to the House of commons thus saving Geordieman the trouble of asking me any more asinine questions. Alternatively I may have offered to clear the arrears by cleaning up a moat or two, or pruning Hazel's roses every Sunday for the next six months.

Perhaps it would have been possible to negotiate a reduction in my tax arrears by agreeing some additional expenses to off set my income. Since crashing my car during a mult-tasking meltdown I have to walk far more (I do not recommend applying lipstick, sending text messages and having a sneaky smoke while in charge of a mechanically propelled motor vehicle) . I can no longer claim mileage, so perhaps some recompense for the additional wear and tear to the Choos would be in order. It is also necessary to dress well in order to avoid being mistaken for a prisoner or probation officer, so again, an LK Bennet clothing allowance should not be too much to ask for.

Just one final thought: if I fiddled my expenses I would not only have to re-pay the money, I would be sacked and struck off. Bring back Guy Fawks - all is forgiven.