The Blokeness Code of Practice, Volume 1

I've had some more thoughts about blokeness. The main symptom is clearly the inability to listen. Men really are childlike, and I don't intend that to sound patronising. Consider the similarities. Children and men do not do instruction manuals, they do not hear you asking them to do something remotely helpful, and while children believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy, Spouse believes in the laundry and putting away fairy.

Last year we were lost in France, it was getting late, and we couldn't find the hotel I'd booked. I foolishly suggested that we stop and ask for directions. I had broken the sat nav the previous day when disembarking from the ferry Tom Tom suggested that we drive back across the Channel, so I impaled it on the dashboard (ok so I have anger management issues). The Little Darlings were rocking gently in the back of the car while Spouse and I disagreed about whose fault it was. Having the audacity to suggest we ask for help evoked the "don't be absurd woman" look on Spouse's face. I may as well have suggested that he dance naked down the Champs Elise. I was clearly asking him to break the Blokeness Code of Practice. Here is the code - I can't claim it's all my own work, but rather the fruits of extensive research...

1. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella;

2. It is OK for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth

3. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours;

4. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday or Christmas present. In fact, even remembering birthdays is questionable behaviour. If you have to break this rule and buy Christmas presents, please ensure that you don't start shopping until 4pm on Christmas Eve;

5. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing;

6. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your wife;

7. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (ie, can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. You can then be assured she is a genuine Ladette, and follows a similar Code;

8. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza;

9. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer;

10. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary;

11. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue;

12. Never speak the truth when asked the question "what are you thinking about" by your wife In fact, have some reserve lies at hand;

13. Never, ever put dishes in the dishwasher. It's ok to leave them nearby, as long as you chant the mantra "why have a dog and bark yourself" whilst carrying out the said operation;

14. Never ask for directions because this implies that the person you ask (who may be a woman) is somehow cleverer than you, and it may dent your ego;

15. Reading an instruction manual constitutes betraying your gender unless it's the Hains Manual which is very butch;

16. If you must buy your wife flowers ensure that you tell her they were on special offer at the local garage;

17. Never let your wife know where you are, and do not under any circumstances answer your mobile phone if she calls;

18. Ensure that you take your holidays during term time lest you are presented with an opportunity of bonding with your children;

19. Never ask your wife how she's feeling. She may give you an honest answer, and we can't be doing with the truth now can we;

20. Fight for custody of the remote control as though it were your progeny;

I'm sure there are other commandments in the Code. If anyone has any suggestions, please do share.